A True Story

    As newlyweds my husband and I were, what we would call, house poor. We didn’t eat out, we didn’t buy fancy things, we only bought groceries from WinCo and everything we owned was given to us second hand; but one thing we did have was Blockbuster. It was all ours and we could afford it - kind of. They always had a coupon for a free rental of an older movie when you returned your previous rental. We almost always stuck with the oldies because who doesn’t love free things? 

    One of our first binge watches was a series that was banned in my household growing up because of the witchcraft it contained. This series of books and movies was made in my prime adolescent years. I was left out of birthday parties, movie nights, Halloween costumes and inside jokes. As you can tell I might still be a bit bitter. When I told my husband about the tragedy of lost childhood memories, he made it his mission to introduce me. That’s when our love affair with Blockbuster really began. We started with the first movie, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

    I was enthralled at the movie magic happening before my eyes. Seeing young Harry Potter learn that there was more to the world then he could ever imagine was a thrill. I was hooked. I think I saw a bit of myself in the stories. I had no idea the magic that could happen by watching a movie or reading a book until my husband opened that world for me.

    Harry Potter brought my imagination to life. I loved the young energetic group of friends fighting to survive school and the evil forces of the world. Hermoine the young confident, smart girl who strived to succeed and prove herself not just among her peers but to those in authority. Ron the silly boy who lacked all confidence, and sometimes intelligence, but would always be there for you whenever you needed him. Harry Potter the boy who had no idea of his full potential. He was brave, daring and never backed down. He always stood for those less than because he knew what it was like to feel less than. 

     While I might have been bitter about having to wait so long to be a part of the fan club, I appreciated getting to see the movies progress as they went on. Seeing the cast grow older with the movies. Noticing the very adult things incorporated into a kid's movie. The harsh realities from the very beginning to its end.  They managed to tackle tough subjects like bullies, neglect, fear, death, friendships, love, empathy, rage and the awkwardness of growing up.

    Almost every day after watching that first movie we would turn in one Harry Potter movie for the next. We knew the DVD series was near the back of the store to the right, 3 shelves down.  On one occasion someone had already rented the next movie in the trilogy and we had to settle for something else. We then spent an hour searching for something among the hordes of movies. Blockbuster had turned into our date night. We would look at every move case –even ones we had already seen. Sharing our favorites, being aghast when someone hadn’t seen a movie we had loved, arguing which childhood cartoon was best, talking about our favorite and least favorite actors. It was simple but it was so much fun. 

    After we finished the Harry Potter trilogy, I read the books. Even more depth and imagery. A fun easy read that gave more background than a movie could. I look forward to the day when my husband and I can read the books and watch the movies with our children. Seeing the magic transfer to their imaginations will bring a whole new love to what we originally experienced. It will also remind us of our young love and the many trips to blockbuster, which sadly is now a mattress store.

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Now I sit and watch my boys watch the Harry Potter series and I am reminded of the magic. I still love the movies and now my boys do too.

Making it through the hard stuff

For the majority of my life I have told myself that I’m not good enough. That I can’t do it. 

I lived with anxiety most of my childhood and much of my adulthood. It hindered so much of what I could do. It robbed me of a lot of things. It tried stealing my identity everyday and everyday I tried hiding it from those around me. But eventually with a lot of self improvement and a husband who saw my full potential and encouraged me to be the best version of myself. The voice that echoed “I cant do it” hasn’t necessarily gone away but now there is a voice that replies “You don’t get to tell me what to do. Yes, I can.” 

Anxiety and self doubt still has its moments. The fear is still deep inside me. It tempts me to go hide again as if we’re friends just playing a game of hide and seek but he always wants to be the seeker. I realize now that we’re not friends and I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to seek. I’ve been a pro at hiding for a long time... and now I want to play another game where my friends won’t leave me in the dark. 

Anxiety and fear are sometimes like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve had to learn to pay attention to the details. To recognize what’s real in my life and what are the lies.

For instance, growing up I’d rather just not try - because not trying meant I couldn’t fail. Fear told me that failure meant I was bad and now I realize not trying was a failure on its own and I’d rather fail and learn than not try at all. It doesn’t make it any less scary for me but I don’t think failure is a bad thing anymore. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I don’t always like learning from failure but I find that if I’m patient with myself failure can be a kind teacher. 

I honestly don’t think I could have survived this last year without learning these things about myself. I’ve lived through a lot in my short 29 years on this earth and this year threw more at me than my past self could have handled.  My family and I endured a lot. And I believe we made it passed the hard scary stuff like family losses, car accidents, depression, my epilepsy diagnosis and much more because we didn’t let fear tear us down.  I didn’t let anxiety take hold when it clearly had the advantage. I persevered. My family made it through the hardships because we relied on faith and the knowledge that we are capable of handling hard things. And don’t get me wrong - it wasn’t easy but in the end it was possible. 

I continue to work on the hard scary stuff. To put one foot in front of the other.  I hope you can as well. Let’s be brave. And if you don’t feel like you can, then reach out for help. Because sometimes we need a voice in our lives that can tell us how capable we really are. Trust me friends, we are more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Go for it, and if you fail learn from it and keep going. 

Much love,

Alyssa

Running journey

5 years ago I would have laughed if you asked me to go for a run. I was not a athletic person and even after I started becoming more of a gym person cardio still wasn’t my thing. 

That was until I had Joey. Running turned into my “me time”. For 30 minutes I had sweet, sweet alone time. I didn’t have to think about making meals, doing laundry, feeding the baby, changing the diapers, blah blah blah. You get it. 

I learned to enjoy it. I ran my first turkey trot when Joey was about a  year old which for me was huge, for others a walk in the park. I was dying and other runners made it look effortless. Still can’t comprehend how some don’t look like death while running.

Fast forward to baby number two. After Ry I continued to run occasionally or do gym classes. Both things put me in a lot of pain. Talked with my doctor who said it should go away on its own. Just some ligament pain - take it easy for awhile. I modified my workouts and stopped running altogether. Every once in awhile I’d attempt cardio and regret it for days. 

After two years I finally talked with my doctor again. Said I needed this nagging pain fixed. My body didn’t feel like my own anymore. We finally figured out that I had nerve damage (thanks Ry) after many rounds of shots I was fixed! I could finally run again and go full out on my workouts. My first real run after these shots I was so nervous and that nervousness then turned into a feeling of euphoria. I could do my “me time” again without worrying about suffering later. 

I’m running a 10k two weeks from now and hoping to run my first half marathon at the end of summer.  

Why do I put all this info out now? Because I think people see me run or workout and assume it’s easy. I want to clarify. Nerve damage or not it’s never been easy.. Its work. It’s dedication and sometimes it’s modified. To this day it’s not easy, because once it gets easier we push ourselves further. We lift more, squat lower and run farther.

I say this to encourage some. Wherever you are at, it’s possible. 

I still have hurdles. I’m currently dealing with the aftermath of a car accident but running still brings me peace and when I want to give up.  I remind myself: I am capable. I can breath, I’m alive and I don’t have nerve damage anymore. 

Find your niche. Walking, running, weightlifting, swimming, biking, hiking, hiit, zumba, yoga... whatever it is. Do it. You’re more capable than you think. I’m rooting for you. 

Lots of love,

Alyssa 

Answered prayers and elephant dreams

Earlier this night I sat on the floor reading children's books, playing on a toy drum and simply enjoying spending quality time with my son when I was reminded of the gift that he is.

Eddy and I prayed for a year and a half for the blessing of a child. It was a long season of frustration and doubt.  Then God made me a promise of a gift that I'll hold onto for dear life through a dream that I'll never forget. 

Elephants aren't something I just started liking; it's something that God put into my heart. You see, one night in a dream Eddy and I played with a little elephant as if it were our child.  This elephant was joyful, playful and it ran around with a certain freedom.  The grass was green and the sky a beautiful blue with trees and bushes to run around and explore.  At some point in this dream something changed suddenly- something unknown was afoot and we jumped into action to protect him.  We became his guardians.  I don't recall seeing anything threatening in this dream, only that we had the instinct to protect.

I awoke after that with a feeling of love and an understanding that God would provide for us. No we didn't get pregnant right after this. God has his timing and -even though we don't always like it- it is good.

About 3 months later we found out I was pregnant with Joey and I'll never forget jumping on the bed early in the morning with excitement to tell Eddy.  So many people have elaborate ways to tell their spouses that they're pregnant and after trying for so long... this couldn't wait. Joy is what matters and that's what we felt.  Answered promises matters.

I write this more for me than for you. It's a reminder for myself to enjoy this gift God has given. I find myself so frustrated on the hard days when Joey just isn't having any of it.  Those days feel like I have failed at parenting and then I am reminded on nights like tonight- that God blessed me with a sweet, playful, passionate little boy who simply wants to enjoy life.  I'm reminded that I am to guide and make teachable moments; and that I am to steer him in the right direction.

Here's to answered prayers.

“For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.”

1 Samuel 1:27-28

* If you will, take a moment to pray for those struggling to conceive or dealing with loss. Sometimes things that you think should be easy aren't and you never know who is silently feeling down. Pray for those people.

Taking steps

There's something so beautifully fulfilling and equally frustrating in raising a child. Some moments I don't even know what to do as a parent and others I sit in amazement with how such a little human can do so much. Growth is a fascinating thing to watch. I've seen many people grow up in my life but watching my son grow is a whole new experience. In less than two years he's learned to move his head, eat, crawl, walk, run and say words like "truck, yup, dadda, momma, this and that" and signs like "milk, more, eat, and all done" I never thought such small things would mean so much to me but they do. I watch him being fascinated with trucks and whenever he sees one in a book or on the street he goes "vroom vroom!" It excites me, it makes me happy.

I often sit back and wonder if that's how God sees us. Such little things to us might seem amazing to him. Learning to pray for instance might seem silly to a seasoned Christian but to God might mean the world because it's a step and steps are important. It might be equally upsetting to Him to see us take a step back for instance as I see my son cry every time we try to go grocery shopping - I know he can handle it but he does not. 

God knows what we can handle and sometimes we do not. He knows that prayers don't need to be extravagant; he'd be happy for us to acknowledge him. Just like we're happy when our children say momma and dadda for the first time. Joey lately only likes to say dadda but I know in the future he'll resume his momma words. I do that often with God, I know he's around so I neglect his name but just like myself it's nice to hear it from people I love. Names are important and Gods is the most important.

I guess I write this to say that God is amazed with us taking steps forward and while it may hurt to see us take a step back He will gladly watch us pick up our feet and move forward again even if they're baby steps. 

 “Pray then like this: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.”

Matthew 6:9

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.”

Proverbs 18:10

“and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:3-4 ESV

* side note: I'm sorry if this didn't apply to you. This is just where I am in my life and how a God is teaching me. I remember reading things like this before kids and it didn't apply as much as other reads.

And here's some bonus pics for your enjoyment of my little man.

Home sweet home

It's been a while since I've written a blog so here's an update on the Clark family:

On our last week in San Diego my dad came to visit and see what all the fuss was about.  During his short stay we took him to the beach, the zoo, Balboa park, Snooze (breakfast) and of course my favorite store there - Whole Foods!  There is a model train museum at Balboa and when we walked in Dad quickly became a 10-year old again. I'm pretty sure he could have stayed there all day.  We saw lots and, of course, made some memories - even when Joey, my now one year old, was throwing his new-found tantrums.  Dad even watched Joey one night and let me and Eddy have dinner together.  We went a lovely outdoor Mexican restaurant in Old Town San Diego.  

After his first few days in San Diego we spent the weekend at my sister-in-law's beautiful home.  One of the days we visited the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda.  The campus preserved Nixon's birthplace and it is also where he, and his wife, are buried today.  There is a car there that is so heavily armored that it weighs more than his helicopter, which is also there.  It was interesting to know that the Watergate Scandal was a result of cover-up and not of a break-in.  Eddy was under the impression that Nixon wanted to gather information that would help his campaign but the break-in had nothing to do with that.  Nixon overwhelmingly was going to win that election and some other people in his campaign team wanted to see who was going to come in second place.  Nixon's mistake was covering for those people.

After the weekend Dad, Joey and I started our drive home.  Redding here we come.  We listened to some of my favorite podcasts during the drive.  If you haven't subscribed to 'Unfictional' then I recommend it.  Along the way we north stopped for one night at my brother's house in the Yosemite area.  It was great to see them again but the best part was seeing Joey play with his cousin!  They have a dedicated play area just for the kids.

We finished the last leg of our drive on Monday night and then I was officially home.  Big thanks to my dad for helping me drive home and unpack the car.  Unfortunately, though, Eddy has another month to stay in San Diego.  Home doesn't quite feel the same without him.   I look forward for his return - but leaving the nice 70 degree weather in San Diego for the 100+ here, Eddy is not as excited. 

It's been so fun to reintroduce Joey to everyone.  He's getting his old social-butterfly attitude back for sure.  He is still a bit clingy as a result of spending 3 months almost exclusively with me. 

I sure do miss the ocean, the zoo, the food and the weather in San Diego. Coming back to the Redding 100+ heat was a reality check (Why do I live here again?) - but I do love being home with family, friends and my own bed.

Now let's transition into the question I seem to be getting a lot lately.

"What do you do nowadays?" 

Lots of routine! While I do have some free time, usually between 1-4, everything else in my day is routine. Naps, play time, eating, cleaning, etc.

I know I can sometimes come across a bit lame with "bed time is at 7:00pm sharp" - but that's the life of this mom.  I've come to realize what most parents do:  Without routine life is hell - and I'm not upset about that.  I love the mom life.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done but also the most rewarding.  I'm still learning - be patient with this first-time mom.  Yes it can be hard to miss out on things, but at the end of the day I love being with my family. God blessed me with this amazing gift and I'm going to steward it well. 

So, that's life right now. I'm loving it even in the difficult times. 

Oh and bonus! 

Here are my two favorite scripture verses lately that I'm trying to live by.

"So encourage each other and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person." Colossians 4:6 

Andrew and Katie's house 

Nixon library 

Davy's house

Balboa park - trains 

The zoo

Home

Oh coffee bar how I missed you

Thanks for the trike Davy!

Turtle bay