Making it through the hard stuff

For the majority of my life I have told myself that I’m not good enough. That I can’t do it. 

I lived with anxiety most of my childhood and much of my adulthood. It hindered so much of what I could do. It robbed me of a lot of things. It tried stealing my identity everyday and everyday I tried hiding it from those around me. But eventually with a lot of self improvement and a husband who saw my full potential and encouraged me to be the best version of myself. The voice that echoed “I cant do it” hasn’t necessarily gone away but now there is a voice that replies “You don’t get to tell me what to do. Yes, I can.” 

Anxiety and self doubt still has its moments. The fear is still deep inside me. It tempts me to go hide again as if we’re friends just playing a game of hide and seek but he always wants to be the seeker. I realize now that we’re not friends and I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to seek. I’ve been a pro at hiding for a long time... and now I want to play another game where my friends won’t leave me in the dark. 

Anxiety and fear are sometimes like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve had to learn to pay attention to the details. To recognize what’s real in my life and what are the lies.

For instance, growing up I’d rather just not try - because not trying meant I couldn’t fail. Fear told me that failure meant I was bad and now I realize not trying was a failure on its own and I’d rather fail and learn than not try at all. It doesn’t make it any less scary for me but I don’t think failure is a bad thing anymore. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I don’t always like learning from failure but I find that if I’m patient with myself failure can be a kind teacher. 

I honestly don’t think I could have survived this last year without learning these things about myself. I’ve lived through a lot in my short 29 years on this earth and this year threw more at me than my past self could have handled.  My family and I endured a lot. And I believe we made it passed the hard scary stuff like family losses, car accidents, depression, my epilepsy diagnosis and much more because we didn’t let fear tear us down.  I didn’t let anxiety take hold when it clearly had the advantage. I persevered. My family made it through the hardships because we relied on faith and the knowledge that we are capable of handling hard things. And don’t get me wrong - it wasn’t easy but in the end it was possible. 

I continue to work on the hard scary stuff. To put one foot in front of the other.  I hope you can as well. Let’s be brave. And if you don’t feel like you can, then reach out for help. Because sometimes we need a voice in our lives that can tell us how capable we really are. Trust me friends, we are more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Go for it, and if you fail learn from it and keep going. 

Much love,

Alyssa

Running journey

5 years ago I would have laughed if you asked me to go for a run. I was not a athletic person and even after I started becoming more of a gym person cardio still wasn’t my thing. 

That was until I had Joey. Running turned into my “me time”. For 30 minutes I had sweet, sweet alone time. I didn’t have to think about making meals, doing laundry, feeding the baby, changing the diapers, blah blah blah. You get it. 

I learned to enjoy it. I ran my first turkey trot when Joey was about a  year old which for me was huge, for others a walk in the park. I was dying and other runners made it look effortless. Still can’t comprehend how some don’t look like death while running.

Fast forward to baby number two. After Ry I continued to run occasionally or do gym classes. Both things put me in a lot of pain. Talked with my doctor who said it should go away on its own. Just some ligament pain - take it easy for awhile. I modified my workouts and stopped running altogether. Every once in awhile I’d attempt cardio and regret it for days. 

After two years I finally talked with my doctor again. Said I needed this nagging pain fixed. My body didn’t feel like my own anymore. We finally figured out that I had nerve damage (thanks Ry) after many rounds of shots I was fixed! I could finally run again and go full out on my workouts. My first real run after these shots I was so nervous and that nervousness then turned into a feeling of euphoria. I could do my “me time” again without worrying about suffering later. 

I’m running a 10k two weeks from now and hoping to run my first half marathon at the end of summer.  

Why do I put all this info out now? Because I think people see me run or workout and assume it’s easy. I want to clarify. Nerve damage or not it’s never been easy.. Its work. It’s dedication and sometimes it’s modified. To this day it’s not easy, because once it gets easier we push ourselves further. We lift more, squat lower and run farther.

I say this to encourage some. Wherever you are at, it’s possible. 

I still have hurdles. I’m currently dealing with the aftermath of a car accident but running still brings me peace and when I want to give up.  I remind myself: I am capable. I can breath, I’m alive and I don’t have nerve damage anymore. 

Find your niche. Walking, running, weightlifting, swimming, biking, hiking, hiit, zumba, yoga... whatever it is. Do it. You’re more capable than you think. I’m rooting for you. 

Lots of love,

Alyssa