Making it through the hard stuff

For the majority of my life I have told myself that I’m not good enough. That I can’t do it. 

I lived with anxiety most of my childhood and much of my adulthood. It hindered so much of what I could do. It robbed me of a lot of things. It tried stealing my identity everyday and everyday I tried hiding it from those around me. But eventually with a lot of self improvement and a husband who saw my full potential and encouraged me to be the best version of myself. The voice that echoed “I cant do it” hasn’t necessarily gone away but now there is a voice that replies “You don’t get to tell me what to do. Yes, I can.” 

Anxiety and self doubt still has its moments. The fear is still deep inside me. It tempts me to go hide again as if we’re friends just playing a game of hide and seek but he always wants to be the seeker. I realize now that we’re not friends and I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to seek. I’ve been a pro at hiding for a long time... and now I want to play another game where my friends won’t leave me in the dark. 

Anxiety and fear are sometimes like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve had to learn to pay attention to the details. To recognize what’s real in my life and what are the lies.

For instance, growing up I’d rather just not try - because not trying meant I couldn’t fail. Fear told me that failure meant I was bad and now I realize not trying was a failure on its own and I’d rather fail and learn than not try at all. It doesn’t make it any less scary for me but I don’t think failure is a bad thing anymore. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I don’t always like learning from failure but I find that if I’m patient with myself failure can be a kind teacher. 

I honestly don’t think I could have survived this last year without learning these things about myself. I’ve lived through a lot in my short 29 years on this earth and this year threw more at me than my past self could have handled.  My family and I endured a lot. And I believe we made it passed the hard scary stuff like family losses, car accidents, depression, my epilepsy diagnosis and much more because we didn’t let fear tear us down.  I didn’t let anxiety take hold when it clearly had the advantage. I persevered. My family made it through the hardships because we relied on faith and the knowledge that we are capable of handling hard things. And don’t get me wrong - it wasn’t easy but in the end it was possible. 

I continue to work on the hard scary stuff. To put one foot in front of the other.  I hope you can as well. Let’s be brave. And if you don’t feel like you can, then reach out for help. Because sometimes we need a voice in our lives that can tell us how capable we really are. Trust me friends, we are more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Go for it, and if you fail learn from it and keep going. 

Much love,

Alyssa